30 June 2023 | 🍍Chris Ash

I don’t celebrate June for Pride Month. Not because I’m against it, but because I have complicated feelings about it and the notion of Pride, the rainbow symbolism, and more.

During my 70’s and 80’s childhood, I always felt (and often, felt the need to be) different. It manifested outward in various ways. Unusual fashion choices and the like. I suppose that I mostly appeared to be a cis male heterosexual weirdo. Which is how I thought of myself—mostly enough that I wouldn’t deny the label. Neither will I deny that it took most of my childhood to be de-conditioned from the societal programming that was common in that era. Although I was performing in drag before I was even 18… so maybe the de-programming had already begun working. Is there a line from there to MASH*?*

Yet, I was into my 40’s before I finally heard a definition of bisexuality that was expansive enough to include me, the aforementioned weirdo. Before then, I’d encountered a lot of gatekeeping from people who were keen on defining the various non-hetero groups along distinct bright lines. I was gatekeeping too! Arguments along the “they’re not a true X because they are attracted to or sleep with Y’s too” line of bullshit. Kudos to Dan Savage for being broadminded on his podcast, because at last I understood why bisexual was a label I could accept.

But it’s a label I don’t wear on my clothes or accessories, nor my car or other sticker-able hard goods. On the one hand, I am for the goals of equal rights and opportunities under the law, the right to human dignity, and all that entails. On the other hand, I reject the rainbow as not-inclusive and its leveraged use for mercantile desires, and I reject the concepts of Pride and Shame writ-large as healthy or noble behavioral motivations. Ultimately I reject hatred and ignorance more than I quibble with the rest, so I’m not here to criticize anyone’s pro-human dignity celebrations. I just don’t partake. Nor have I “come out” to more than a couple of people. It’s not out of shame or fear of not being accepted, it’s that the label and identity don’t matter to me very much or at all. The same goes for the rest of the identities I have, if I’m being accurate.

De-stigmatizing and improving the acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community is a net good for society—we can already see this happening. I submit that while we’re at it, let’s offer the same grace to those whose relationship structures are different. Let us recognize that the healthy fulfillment of human needs are part of the human dignity we’re endorsing. If what you want is traditional monogamy with a partner who feels the same way, I don’t judge you. But if you’re ok with the “dials” of a relationship being set slightly different, particularly in the service of helping oneself and others in satisfying basic needs… well, we have that in common.

I think it’s expecting too much that all of our needs would be filled by one person, across the journey of one’s adult life. Not if we’re also growing and changing. One big issue I’ve had in my life was tying my happiness to a partner’s ability to meet all those (my) needs. I think it might be better to view our relationships through a different lens, evaluated by the quality of loyalty or fidelity—or better, honor—to the non-exclusive intrapersonal commitment to our mutual growth, human dignity, and fulfillment.

That’s something I would celebrate. In the meantime, I think it’s worthy of adult discussion.

Or a more intimate one—If that’s your fancy! <airhorn sounds, airhorn sounds>

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